Heh, this is what happens when I get a snow day:
Imagine, after Nero, Jim and Spock are hailed as heroes and approached by Hollywood Producers to make a movie about their story. Only Hollywood in the 23rd century is no longer an entertainment industry in southern California, it's now an entire planet, and the Producers are their ruling class. So Jim is flattered and Spock goes along for the ride to make sure his big, dopey captain doesn't do anything stupid.
Before they arrive, they’re encouraged by their driver not to sign anything, a warning Jim manages to muck up almost immediately – he signed for a burger from room service, but neglected to read the fine print – so now the rights to his life (not his life story, his life
) are owned by an entertainment conglomerate and he can never leave Hollywood until awards season is over, but that never happens
Spock protests but can do nothing, and is accused of being “difficult to work with” and is blacklisted (exiled). He finds help among a band of underground rebels known as Indies who propose a daring plan to rescue Jim from the clutches of the Studio Head (the supreme leader of the planet), but it fails to get off the ground because their financing falls through.
Jim, meanwhile, is being held captive by the Studio Head, who keeps asking intensely personal questions about his relationship with Spock and muses whether they might be able to “write him out” (i.e. kill him). A little freaked out, Jim hacks into the planet’s information grid and manages to make contact with a group of dissidents known as Pfangrls who advise him on kinks in the network known as plotholes in order to help him to find a way out of the Studio Head’s backlot so he can be reunited with his OTL, Spock (Jim protests that while he wouldn’t say no to a date or whatever, he barely knows Spock, at which the Pfangrls smirk knowingly and send him NSFW fan art).
Jim plays along, but just as he is about to escape, he finds his plan thwarted by the Studio Head himself, who starts firing off missiles at Jim because he would rather destroy the entire franchise than allow the Pfangrls to get their way. Spotting a hole in the wall, Jim escapes and is reunited with a waiting Spock, but when the Studio Head sees them touching, he shrieks, “No homo!” and literally self-destructs (the Studio Head is an android, powered by spurious market research – DUN). The planet falls into chaos but is saved at the last minute by none other than the long-thought-dead leader of the Indies, Davis X. Makenna, who happened to have been Jim and Spock’s driver AND the person who secretly plotted to get the Producers to offer Jim and Spock movie deals in the first place (DUN-DUN-DUN).
Jim and Spock, disgusted by everyone, call the Enterprise for a pickup and threaten to send the entire planet spinning into a nearby black hole (known locally as Turnaround) unless they all just back the hell up, because they do that shit all the time, just try them, GOD.
Back safely on the Enterprise bridge, Jim tells the crew about how everyone in Hollywood seemed to be obsessed with his and Spock’s relationship, and have you guys ever heard such a ridonkulous thing, LOL, to which everyone nervously laughs and can’t look him in the eye, and Spock raises an eyebrow and says, “Speak for yourself.”
Submitted to imaginespirk’s Tumblr